Losing Sleep
by IheartJack0023
Summary: She knew that he was hurting. She just wanted to help. One-Shot. [Slight Luffy x OC]


**A/N:** I've been feeling really down lately, which is why I haven't been writing anything or updating my two ongoing stories (if you read either of those, I apologize). So I decided to write this with my precious baby, Luffy. That being said,

 **TRIGGER WARNING:** This kinda covers topics like depression.

Tbh, I don't really like how this came out very much, but meh. And this might seem a bit out of character too. 

* * *

She knew that there was something wrong. She wasn't sure if everyone else just hadn't noticed or if they had chosen to ignore it, figuring that it was something that he needed to deal with himself. Kalia didn't want to leave it alone, though.

She could see that the grin that she loved so much was the same, but that his eyes weren't. They had dulled over the two years that they had all spent apart. She had noticed that he would get the occasional far off look in his eyes, grin lost, when he thought that no one was looking. And though he still ate a lot, way more than humanly possible, he ate a little less than he had before.

She wasn't an idiot. She knew that this must have been because of the death of his brother—the death of Fire Fist Ace who had died in his own arms. She couldn't even begin to imagine how painful that must have been for him. She wished she had been there for him in those moments. And because she hadn't been, she had resolved to be there for him now. Of course, that proved to be harder than she thought.

He had been having nightmares. She wasn't sure if the others knew about this either, but it didn't really matter if they did nothing about it, right? She knew that he would wake up in the middle of the night and leave the men's dormitory and head to his favorite spot on the ship. She would see him as she sat on the edge of the railing, in clothing that was nowhere near warm enough to protect her from the cold, night air. But that was how she liked it—feeling the biting wind cut sharply against her skin until the shivering stopped and her body felt numb.

She would hear him cry every night—quietly, but not quiet enough to escape her hearing. It would break her heart every single time and every single time she would sit there and debate about what she should do. And every time, by the time she had resolved what to do, he would have calmed himself down and gone back to the men's dormitories and she would proceed to curse at herself for being such a damn coward. She didn't deserve to be on this crew, she would tell herself. She clearly wasn't good enough for them and especially for Luffy if she couldn't even muster the strength to tell him a few choice words.

On the night that she had finally forced herself to go talk to him before he had left, her heart had broken further. She had walked up to the railing right next to the figurehead of the Thousand Sunny, standing there in silence for a few seconds before finally softly calling his name. When he had heard her soft voice, he immediately quieted himself and wiped the tears from his eyes.

"How long have you been there?" He asked her without turning around to face her, his hat tilted downward. No doubt his eyes must have been red.

"Long enough," she told him. Both of them remained in silence for a few moments.

"Luffy," she started. "You don't have to go through this alone, you know. If you need someone to talk to or to just be by your side...". She trailed off, unsure of how to word the feelings that she felt for him—of how to word just how much she wanted to help him.

He turned around to face her, jumping down off of the figurehead to stand in front of her. His hat was tilted back, showing her a huge closed-eye grin.

"You shouldn't worry about me," he told her. "I'll be fine." Her lips settled into a slight frown as he placed his hand gently on her head. God, how she wanted to call bullshit. But should she? Was it her place to say such a thing, especially to her captain?  
"You should get some sleep," he told her before heading back to the men's dormitories. She just stood there, not moving a single muscle until a few minutes after she had heard him shut the door behind him. Then she buried her hands in her hair and tugged on it hard. Her breathing grew heavy, but she blinked back the tears that wanted to escape from her eyes.

Sleep? She thought. How the hell was she supposed to sleep knowing that he was hurting—that he was hurting alone—and that it seemed like she couldn't do anything about it. Useless. Useless. Useless. She told herself. It was all killing her on the inside.

She had spent the next day quiet. She had spent it while keeping her distance from everyone else, trying her hardest to keep her composure while her own thoughts kept eating away at her. When they had asked her if she was alright, she just told them that she was feeling a bit tired. It convinced them well enough. Well, most of them. According to the look on Luffy's face, he knew that she was lying.

When night came she couldn't keep her composure any longer. She sat under the tangerine trees on the grassy lawn, hands digging into the grass, releasing her grip only to land a punch on the ground.

"Stupid," she said, followed by her hitting the ground. "Worthless." Another hit. "Useless." Another hit. She paused, her breathing heavy, as tears welled up in her eyes. "I can't even do something as simple as help someone I care about."

She dug her fingers into her hair, tugging on it roughly as she gasped, trying to keep her breath calm, but she failed as tears finally fell from her eyes, landing on the grass below her. Her eyes were closed and her brow furrowed when she heard something approach her and then stop. She opened her eyes to see a frowning Luffy, squatting in front of her.

"Kalia," he whispered as he grabbed her wrists, pulling her hands out of her hair and down, preventing her from tugging on it harshly any more.

"Luffy," she choked out. "I'm sorry." Luffy sat down on the grass, crossing his legs, but keeping his grip on her wrists.

"Why are you crying?" He asked her. She bit her lip in an attempt to hold back her sobs and shook her head.

"You don't have to worry about me," she whispered, her voice wavering.

"You're my nakama," he told her. "So I do." She looked at him with pleading eyes.

"Dammit," she cursed to herself. "I'm sorry," she told him again. "I'm being selfish." Luffy furrowed his brow in confusion.

"You're hurting now, but here you are trying to help me. And I can't even help you." Luffy tilted his head to the side. "I'm sorry I'm so useless," she whimpered out with her head down. "I'm sorry that I'm such a burden."

Luffy didn't respond, but he let go of her wrists. With her hands now free she used them to dig her nails into the skin of her thighs. It would calm her down. Her sobbing started to die down when she felt something on her head. She opened her eyes to notice that Luffy had placed his hat on her head. She looked at him and saw that his eyes looked a bit angry.

"Don't say things like that!" He said. "You're not useless and you're not a burden! You're just as good as everyone else here. You wouldn't be my nakama if you weren't."

Kalia had stopped crying by that point. She wiped her eyes as Luffy spoke. His eyes softened as he gazed at her.

"You're nakama," he said as he placed a hand on each of her shoulders. His eyes held a determined look in them. "You don't have to deal with this stuff by yourself."

"I'm sorry. I—thank you, Luffy, but," she hesitated. She placed her hands on either side of Luffy's face. "You helped me. Please let me help you. Because you're not alone either."

"Okay," he replied, with a grin.


End file.
